Explanation of poem 1

Hey guys. A lot of you mailed me saying you do not understand the meaning of poem one. I am quickly going to explain it as I know it is a difficult poem.

Die dood: Hy is in jou…

1. Vanaf fetus tot mondigwording
2. waar hy dan met elke hartklop
3. globulolisie onophoudend aanwakker.
4. Jou preutsheid en pretensie maak
5. dat jy as volwasse swakkeling
6. die lewe infinitesimaal waardeer
7. gevolglik beproef jy [aardse genot] >>>>sinoniem vir dwelms.
8. tot die sekel om jou trek:
9. Die dood vanaf murg en been
10. jou treiter met suurstofmaskers;
11. Jou liggaam keer terug na stof
12. en nou dat lewe jou verlaat
13. bly jy klou aan aardse omdat
14. waardering vir die hede met die laaste asem nooit kom.

Ok, here goes…

Die funksionaliteit van die titel: Dit sê waaroor die gedig gaan. Dit word baie persoonlik, omdat die dood reeds vanaf geboorte in jou is en jy dit nie sal kan ontwyk nie.

r1. Vanaf die begin van jou bestaan (fetus) tot omtrent 21 jaar (mondigwording) is jy as persoon besig om te ontwikkel en te groei.

r2.-r3. Dan, na die ouderdom van 21, begin die afsterwingsproses. Met elke hartklop en dus ook elke sekonde is selle besig om dood te gaan en die liggaam herstel nie die selle meer vinnig genoeg om die proses van ‘dood gaan’ te ontwyk nie. Globulolisie is die voordurende afsterwing van selle in die menslike liggaam.

r4.-r6 Nou dat jy groot en volwasse is (na die ouderdom van 21) is jy maar steeds net mens. Dis die kwessie van “All life is a stage” en dat almal gedurig ‘n gesiggie voorhou (pretensie). Dit is nie te sê dat as jy volwasse is, jy sterk is nie. Daar is soveel volwassenes wat met dwelms eksperimenteer (swakkeling). Sodoende waardeer jy die lewe in ‘n klein hoeveelheid of baie min (infinitesimaal).

r7.-r8 Nou omdat jy as volwasse ‘n swakkeling is, beproef jy die lewe en die genot wat dit bied soos byvoorbeeld dwelms. Jy kan wel baie kere weg kom met dit, maar een of ander tyd gaan iets verkeerd loop en jy gaan te ver gaan. ‘n Verduidelikking volg wat dat gebeur…

r9.-r10 Die dood is oral in jou lewe. Selfs so diep as jou murg en been. Omdat jy nou te ver gegaan het, kom die dood gouer as wat normaal is. Jy eindig dalk in hospitaal en jou lewe is afhanklik van masjiene om die dood weg te hou.

r11. Dit is die onvermeidelikke. Die sirkel word voltooi en jy sterf.

r12.-r13. Nou dat jy besig is om te sterwe, probeer jy baklei om te bly lewe. Jy het nooit die beste van jou lewe gemaak nie en nou omdat jy dood gaan het jy nie die lewe geleef wat jy moes nie. Daarom probeer jy ‘n tweede kans kry om net iets anders dalk te doen.

r14. Soos reeds gesê: Jy het die lewe wat jy gehad het nie waardeer nie. Jy het alles as vanselfsprekend gevat, maar as jy agterkom jy het iets verloor wil jy dit terug hê.

Die oktaaf, dui op die feit dat mense baie keer net lewe omdat dit nog ‘n dag is.

Die sestet, is ‘n verduideliking wat gebeur met die wat die lewe nie waardeer nie, maar gewoonlik is dit dan te laat. Kwessie van “Jy waardeer eers iemand/iets nadat jy dit verloor het, maar dan is dit te laat. Jy weet nie wat jy het totdat jy dit verloor nie.”

Sjo! Hope everyone understood that! Now you may think I am a psycho, but hey. You can’t argue: This is reality!

Until next time, be good and please look after yourself!

Yesterday... Today... and Tomorrow...

Hey again.

I am not in a very talkative mood today, so I am just going to paste a two poems I wrote. It is in my home language, Afrikaans, so most of you will probably not understand a word I am TRYING to say... If you need to know what it means, i'll email a translated version.

For you who understand Afrikaans, I know its dark and angry. Its the only way of expressing my emotions at the moment as the boy and I cannot comunicate without figting so now I am rather keeping my mouth shot.

Here is the first one...

Die dood: Hy is in jou…

Vanaf fetus tot mondigwording
waar hy dan met elke hartklop
globulolisie onophoudend aanwakker.
Jou preutsheid en pretensie maak
dat jy as volwasse swakkeling
die lewe infinitesimaal waardeer
gevolglik beproef jy [aardse genot]
tot die sekel om jou trek:
Die dood vanaf murg en been
jou treiter met suurstofmaskers;
Jou liggaam keer terug na stof
en nou dat lewe jou verlaat
bly jy klou aan aardse omdat
waardering vir die hede met die laaste asem nooit kom.


The second one is more easier to understand. Wrote this yesterday.

My Berou

Die val van ‘n lewe wat
met elke slag meer vereis:
Van onregverdige drome wat
ek sukkel om te bly gee.

Beloftes beloof om gehou te word,
maar word gemaak om te breek.
Jy wat die lewe parodieer met jou
leë woorde en pronk.

My psige daglank vernietig
met jou liefversteekte haat!

Soms word gevoel tot die
uiterste beproef en trane
wat willekeurig begin vloei,
maar…

wat gemaak as die persoon
wat jou maak huil, die enigste
een is wat dit kan stop?



Well, that is it. If you want the translation, add a comment with your email address. It wount show on here, i'll receive an email. Promise to reply on all requests.

Have a fab week everyone. And yet again! Thank you for all the support.

Why do I still care? Or am I?

I know, I know!
It’s been a very long time since my last post, but my life was just so hectic the past few months.

Last Saturday we had our closing night for our show and it was very emotional as we lived for the show! Remember me to upload some pictures of me on stage!

We’ll I am finally dating again. His name is Rochelle and I am madly in love. But sometimes I just want to break down and cry. I don’t feel special with him in a relationship.

I know, if you hear from me, I complain. But I wouldn’t write if I didn’t have something that hurts me.

Well, its Rochelle’s birthday on the 27th July. I asked him if I could spend the night at his place before he leaves for Europe. But no, the reply I got was, “the weekend of the 28 july is my birthday weekend, then my whole family is here, parents, brother, sisters in law.” He cannot make me feel more shit than saying that.

What am I? I thought we are dating. But he cant even see me on his birthday. A lot of people told me to leave him, because he only means trouble. Now I see why. He doesn’t even want to introduce me to the family. Nice one Rochelle. I don’t want to be with you anymore.

Guys, I just received the message, and I am totally shocked. I am not crying yet, but I can feel the tears building inside me. I can feel the pain grasping for air. I am in a stake of shock now, and will post a complete piece soon again.

Thanks for all the emails, your support and love. Without my support group, I am nothing.

When is the right time?

When is the right time?

So many times in life, we find ourselves asking questions. Why this and why that… I suppose a lot of you asked the following before, “When is the right time to say the words ‘I love you’?”

After recently getting involved in a relationship again, I found myself telling this person I love him. I suppose I do love him in a way, but is that real love?

Let’s take today for instance. I was watching a DVD in bed. And I was flirting with my new boyfriend. Then next moment he tells me, I am off to have a few drinks with a friend. This was 15:42 (believe me on the times, I keep track of that.) I mean, talk about turn off. I immediately was pissed off. But little did I know what was to come. I told him Ill email him later on. And so I did. (Yeah yeah his was a naughty mail) And he replied, I’ll download your mail when I am home.

Ok, it’s getting hot in here, so turn off all your phones! I said, sure. Whatever! And the next thing I notice, he did read the email.

Ok, after a while, I got a message, (19:16) that he is going for dinner now. Does it take guys three hours and thirty four minutes these days to have a drink with a friend?

Ok, now the boyfriend stays in Sandton. That is about 20minutes drive from Melville, where I am staying. The next message I receive (20:43) was that he is going to have dinner in Melville. I mean, now it takes one hour and twenty seven minutes to drive to Melville.

Did I say I love this guy?

I may be weird. I don’t know. In previous posts I did say I do not want this outgoing boyfriend again. And I did step in the same trap again. I am falling for this party animal.

It is now 21:50, time is getting shorter I think. Now it takes a guy five hours and fifty eight minutes to have a drink and dinner. Oh, and just for the record, they are still eating.

PS. I made a note. In my next post I promise to tell you guys the time he left for home. Oh, and I do love this man. I just don’t think he knows it yet. That is probably why he is out and not spending time with me.

Oh, by the way. The time was 22:45

After giving it alot of thought...

After giving it a lot of thought. I am going to post this blog and close a chapter of my life. Lets say it was Chapter II – A fucked life for two…

I want to start by saying. I haven’t felt this good in ages. And mainly because I decided that I am finally moving forward. I’ve always had that feeling, no not a feeling, more like hope that the ex and I will patch things and after all that we went trough, grow old together. But about two or three days ago, I’ve found out that he actually did have sex in January this year. Not that I give a shit, but now I know for certain that I wasn’t the love of his life. And if I were, he would have waited and not jump into bed with someone so soon.

Well I am glad he did. With his ego staying in Sandton and his body in Cresta, I cannot date a two faced person. Someone pretending to be what he is note. I’ve seen his life. Wasn’t good. He can do as many rebounds as he want to. We are miles apart from now on.

I gave you a chance. I gave you my life. All I did want to hear was, “I am really sorry.” But your pride and ego kept your mouth from saying that.Now I hope your pride carries you through. You’ve slept with 8guys. Three unprotected. And I don’t know whethether I should count myself in or not…And played with about 22. Add the one from January… 9. Played, probably 30 now.

May the road ahead, be downhill. Easy and without thorns. Before you say the following words, “I love you.” Think of this…” Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Now for Chapter III – My new love…

Have a fabulous holiday all. I am going to be away for a while, wount post any new blogs till 2nd of May!

Be good and thanks a lot for taking the time to make my memories part of your life.

Bye