The illusion of Eight.

I recently post a blog on meeting R again. The whole poem “Ons” was about this meeting. Now, about 6 weeks further, I need to accept reality. Not for just another eight months, but eternity.

It’s over.

I asked R to open his heart. For real to me. So he did. I suspected what he was going to say, but I tried denying the truth. He cannot be with me. I wasted a years love on the love of my life. Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years after telling him how I feel. I asked him to delete my number as I cannot stand to see his number appearing on my phone. Twelve hours further, and its still going good. I am still coping-crying and he hasn’t contacted me. Deep down I still hope he does. I want him to contact me. Saying he made the mistake of his life. Asking me to love him. Asking me to spend my life with him. But I know it won’t happen. My heart wants it to happen, but had to accept the fact that it will never be. I followed my brain this time. Something I should’ve done ages ago.

How can I just forget him? How can I leave love? Tears start falling. Life falling out of place. Rejection. Want to call him. Hope and fear. Loved but still loving. Loving? Time heals? How long is time? Time? What is time? To forget? How? Should I cry? Tears doesn’t ease pain? Pain is a state of mind? Why did my mind choose to let go? Isn’t a mind a stupid piece of grey jelly? How can grey cover red? Why is a heart red? Red? What is red? Love? Why does love hurt then? Love fades to black depression. Life fades to black depression. How do I stop red? Help? How? Where? God? You, my angel? Angels can torment you. Angels stop protecting when there is love? April – the month of lost love? But it is a decision you made? Why? Can this become reality? It is reality. From the start and God knew it.