Know me before you judge me...

After a recent comment I received, I think I need to post an unscheduled blog. It is a short one. Entitled, who is to judge?

Ok, if anyone is perfect, let HIM speak.
If anyone has never made a single mistake. Let HIM speak.
If anyone has never said anything bad about another, let HIM speak.
If anyone has only done good. Let HIM speak!

One cannot point a single finger to another as one is not perfect.
If you want to judge me, make sure of your facts. My blog about homosexuality and God ended with 'to be continued...' I haven't said what I think yet, why assume I am 'confused' and say I hurt myself? I have a very happy life, with a smile most of the day. If you think I am portraying a false image, think again.
This blog is MY emotions on paper. If it is to hectic or to deep for you to understand, then please, rather ask me why I wrote it and under what conditions, do not assume, because 75% of assumers are wrong.(www.fact.com)

Another thing, if you think I am weird, please give me the guidebook to 'normality' as I do not know what classifies as 'normal'

I want to end with the following,
If a bird shits on your head, do not think you are being blessed. A bird just shit anto your head!

What is wrong?

Ok Ok, before I run this out ahead I have to complete my views on religion. Coming from a Christian background, my mom has trouble accepting me. They want me to change and go down the ‘straight’ road. Is this possible? I mean, I see myself as normal, being born gay. Now they come and say I need to change because Satan is lying to me.

One thing I’ve learned from my ex, ‘Would God have allowed me to fall so deeply in love with another man when homosexuality is against his will?’ This may be easy to answer, as we all probably answer ‘No’ but then people come again, as mentioned before Satan perverts, and says it’s a lie. Satan is lying to you!

The Bible mentions the word ‘love’ a lot, I do not know how much but it certainly is more than twice. Now, if love is so precious to God, would He allow Satan to pervert that? This is like a rhetorical question to me because I do not have the answer to that.

Sometimes in life, we should accept the fact that people can change for the better. But can a gay person change to heterosexual and is that necessarily better?

After this, how do I feel?
Well I am gay, and I do not think I am able to change. If I change what will I be? Maybe a sugar coated homosexual, but most certainly not straight.

What is wrong then?
I think it is wrong living your life like a hoe. This counts for gay and straight! Doesn’t matter whether you are straight or gay. I think it is wrong to be a slut.
Some people say they are ‘bi’ is this possible, but I do not agree with it. Will you ever be faithful being bisexual?
Something to think about,
“They swore they'd make it work,Vowed to stay together,Didn't care about the distance,They'd be together forever.”

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Come back again, I’ll have a new topic posted on Saturday.
MJ

PS. Music lovers, visit www.geocities.com/iti565

Loyalty
After recently watching “How to loose a guy in ten days” the following phrases made me think:

Guy, “You’ve just lost the guy”
Annie, “You can’t loose what you never had.”

This is where loyalty plays a huge part in relationships. The saying goes “It takes two to tango” Well true. Both parties have to be actively involved in the relationship to make it work. I’ve been in a relationship where the other party wasn’t loyal. My ex lover, as previously said, went to clubs without me and then cheated on me with other guys. Is that loyal? No!

After giving this a lot of thought and knowing that I’ve been loyal in all my past relationships, I still do not know how to figure if my lover will be loyal to me. Take your lovers word for it? Well I did trust my ex, still the ex wasn’t loyal.

I made a vow. I’ll never forgive someone again after cheating. I will never trust someone again after cheating. I will never take someone back after cheating.

Being gay in today’s society

The first question I asked myself, (I am Christian) is it against the will of God being homosexual? And after 2years of searching for answers I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

A lot of people say it is wrong. And then they aren’t even Christians. And a lot of Christians says its fine being gay ASLONG as you life inside the boundaries set in the Bible (i.e. sex). One question I ask myself, “Will God let me fall in love with a guy when being gay is against his will?” Then one guy said, “Satan is a carbon copy of God. He has the power to pervert. If he can change your course by only 3°, he is happy.”

After two years, this is still haunting me. As my favorite artist, Evanescence sing in Tourniquet, “Will I be denied? Christ, Tourniquet?”

After being single for three months now, my ex stepped back into my life. Well, not the cheating one. The one I really love and really feel for. We were together for eleven days about 11months ago. We split because he wasn’t over his ex boyfriend, so I gave him the opportunity to go back to him and try and solve what went wrong. Unfortunately, they didn’t work and I was with a new lover, Emil. Fred was furious. And I broke every single form of communication we had. After I left Emil I contact Fred again and told him that I’m sorry. I was wrong and I should not have given up that easily.

Now a year after our breakup we still love each other and we still want to try and make the relationship work. I am willing to try, but I am so scared of being hurt again.
… to be continued

Once again, tnx for reading!


PS, visit www.geocities.com/iti565

Commitment/Love

Before I start writing my new blog, I want to give my comment on a thought of a friend.
He read my blog site, and said I must think about adding forgiveness as one of the foundation words aswell. After giving this a lot of thought I came up with this conclusion: Why forgive someone for hurting you? OK. Do not understand me wrong. I do not say keep grudges and do not forgive at all. Sure you can forgive, what I call petty crimes but there are a few actions I'll never forgive:
L - Cheating
L - Lies
L - Disloyalty

I've been in a relationship where there were lies and I was being cheated on. Ive tries to forget what had happened, but I can't. I cannot stand the idea of this person I gave all of my love, actually cheated on me and lied bout it. So, my concluesion: Forgive when you can, try and work around it. But leave when its bugging you. You cannot change the past, and the past will haunt you!

Back to my blog for today: Commitment/Love:
Searching for the phrase 'commitment/love' 56600 search results were displayed. It is not that much, taking if you search for the phrase 'porn' 39100000 results are displayed. Ok now why the big diffirence? Does this really mean people cannot commit to one another and cannot love one anoter?

Browsing answers.com and searching for commitment, the following definition stood out for me: The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family.
And the same search for love? I did serch for the phrase aswell, but in 1 Cor 13 clearly states what love is. I quote verse 2, 'And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.' (charity = love)
Now that I know a bit more what commitment and love is I want to give my opinions about it.
I think a friendship with love is a relationship. They say, a friend is someone you can sit with on a bench, and when you walk away, it feels that you had the longest conversation ever. This is a definition for friends I think. But the same goes for a relationship. You just add LOVE to the equation.
If you commit to someone, you promise to love and treaure that person for ever. You do everything together. You share every tiny bit of your life. Even if its when you chip a nail!
A relationship without commitment will never work. There has to be commitment for trust to grow.
The picture ontop of this blog is one of me in Russia, Suz-Dal. I lit that candle in a cathedral for me and my ex-lover. The wish I made was to share our whole life together. To laught and cry together. Just to be with one another... For ever!
Does that wish(almost vow to stay with my ex)still exist? No, because of one think. We didn't commit nor love each other with all of our heart!
Now, about 3months after our last 'I love you' I havent shed one tear. I am not feeling guilty or pain, as the love and commitment wasn't strong enough to carry us through bad times.

Please take a minute and post your comments. Any ideas and thoughts WELCOME!
Thank you for thaking the time and reading my page
MJ

PS. I haven't read this again! Please mind any grammar or spelling mistakes!

The three foundation words of a relationship.

Trust (topic today)
Commitment/Love (next blog topic)
Loyalty (wait for this in the near future)

First, I have to say. This in only my opinion, and if you do not agree with it, fine, but do not hate me for being unique!

I think there is a few factors that is a MUST in any relationship as foundation. The first, and I think most important, TRUST...

Trust, I think, is when you let a person, to some extend, do what they want to do. And then not doubting their loyalty(My next blog entry). But in todays world, can you trust people? They go to clubs, they party etc.

In my last relationship the 2nd party was a clubber. There was trust, to some extend, but then I heard stuff that the person cheated one me. Picked other men from the clubs and then had sex with them.

My trust were broken and thats why I ended the relationship. And worst of all. The person confessed. That person did cheat on me.

Will I be able to trust after this? I hope. And I think so.

When you are in a relationship. Trust doesn't come from self. It has to be earned! You have to work for it, and when you have it, don't do something and spoil it. Because then it will never heal again.

Like the well known boyband, Westlife says, "Though you want to. Though you try to .You can't stop the rain. For the first time. It's not you who can heal me!"

Ok, so you cannot heal me... then who can? Well if you need to heal broken or lost trust, I think time only heals. You cannot force yourself to trust someone and that is why I ended the relaitionship. the trust is gone and I will never in my life trsut that person again. Now I am looking forward and continue with life. Finding someone new, and then trust that someone with my whole heart.

Come back soon. I'll have the new topic posted!
Thank you once again for reading.
MJ

A day in the life of Mr Pain.

Well this is the first time I am using a blog server. SO I hope to keep my blogs updated!

What can I say? Here I am. This is me. There is nowhere else on earth that I'd rather be... aka B. Adams.
I am 17. Live in South Africa, Johannesburg and I am a scholar at a private school in Parktown/Braamfontein. I've set alot of goals and I do, as everybody else, have alot of ambitions. Will I accomplish all of them? Well I hope so, but sometimes in life you have to accept things that happen. Like pain.

Pain is defined as: "To make someone feel very upset or unhappy... Macmillan Eng Dictionary" and I think thats exactly the feeling I have. Pain! Can I change it? I think not. How will I be able to make an ex-lover love me again? How will I make an ex-lover/cheater stop cheating. And how will I be able to trust a cheater again?
So...
Sometimes in life we look back to the past and wonder. Have I failed? Have I dissapointed somebody or even worse, Have I dissapointed myself? AS I've said...the past, this means you cannot really go back and "redo" past mistakes...
I think we should use our past mistakes as stepping stones and not stumbling blocks.

Come back again... I'll post my thoughts on "TRUST"

Tnx for reeding my blogpage
MJ