A lost-lovers birthday....

As ek vanoggend langs jou kon wakker word. Jou soen en self sê: "Veels geluk, engel. Mag jou jaar gevul wees met die mooiste, volste genade. Mag jy jare se seën ervaar en mag ek tot jare grysword, jaarliks langs jou wakker word om jou te soen en jou geluk te sê met hierdie wonderlike dag." Sou dit my huidiglik, die gelukkigste man op aarde maak.

Dit kon ek nie...

As ek vanoggend vir jou rose kon laat aflewe, sou ek. Een vir elke jaar wat jy op hierdie aarde was. Met 'n kaartjie en nog 'n gediggie oor Ons... Vir ewig.

Dit kon ek nie...

As ek jou vanoggend kon bel. Net 'n stupid voice-mail los. Sou ek...

Maar ek kon nie...

As ek jou kon SMS. Jou net 'n dom elektroniese herhinnering stuur, om te onthou. EK dink aan jou. Sou ek...

Maar ek kon nie...

Nou aanvaar ek maar die vyfde beste opsie. 'n Boodskap op my blog. Sommiges sal dit lees en dink aan hoe dit moet voel. Ander sal dit lees, aanbeweeg en vergeet van seerkry. Ander sal lag en ander sal die moeite nie eens waag nie.

R, mag jou dag geseënd wees. Mag jy genade ervaar soos nog nooit tevore nie. Mag jou drome almal bewaar word - en waar word. Mag jy kry wat jou hartjie begeer. EN mag die man in jou lewe jou ongelooflik baie bederf het. Mag jy besef jy is 'n ongelooflike persoon. Mag jou dag vol sonskyn, liefde en hoop wees EN mag dit elke dag verdubbel.

Baie geluk met jou 31ste verjaarsdag.

"Op 'n sprinkasteel
bou ek 'n lugkasteel.
Ek wonder hoe dit sal wees:
EK wonder hoe jy my lees.

Want ek dink alweer:
Dink aan elkekeer
EK moet jou vergeet - ek weet
ek sweer ek probeer, maar ek kannie

vier-en-twintig uur
was genoeg vir jou
om alles in twee te vou
vier-en-twintig uur
en ek wonder by myself-
hoe lank gaan jy in my kop nog delf." - Klopjag

THE never ending story

Ok. So last night I went to Legends. The whole of gayyouth was there and I just couldn’t resist seeing everyone again… Not to mention dancing and meeting some new okes.

We were sitting in the lounge area chatting and going mad, when suddenly I saw R sitting in the corner with two other people. He didn’t even saw me… I walked away going dancing. Crying my eyes out as since you’ve been gone blasted from the speakers above.

He greeted me at the bar while I was buying some water. I couldn’t get out a word nor look him in the eyes.

When I got home, I hoped for a message. Or even a smooch on the club. Nothing. Will I ever get over him?

Maybe he is that ‘first love’ the one you’ll ‘always remember.’ :s

The illusion of Eight.

I recently post a blog on meeting R again. The whole poem “Ons” was about this meeting. Now, about 6 weeks further, I need to accept reality. Not for just another eight months, but eternity.

It’s over.

I asked R to open his heart. For real to me. So he did. I suspected what he was going to say, but I tried denying the truth. He cannot be with me. I wasted a years love on the love of my life. Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years after telling him how I feel. I asked him to delete my number as I cannot stand to see his number appearing on my phone. Twelve hours further, and its still going good. I am still coping-crying and he hasn’t contacted me. Deep down I still hope he does. I want him to contact me. Saying he made the mistake of his life. Asking me to love him. Asking me to spend my life with him. But I know it won’t happen. My heart wants it to happen, but had to accept the fact that it will never be. I followed my brain this time. Something I should’ve done ages ago.

How can I just forget him? How can I leave love? Tears start falling. Life falling out of place. Rejection. Want to call him. Hope and fear. Loved but still loving. Loving? Time heals? How long is time? Time? What is time? To forget? How? Should I cry? Tears doesn’t ease pain? Pain is a state of mind? Why did my mind choose to let go? Isn’t a mind a stupid piece of grey jelly? How can grey cover red? Why is a heart red? Red? What is red? Love? Why does love hurt then? Love fades to black depression. Life fades to black depression. How do I stop red? Help? How? Where? God? You, my angel? Angels can torment you. Angels stop protecting when there is love? April – the month of lost love? But it is a decision you made? Why? Can this become reality? It is reality. From the start and God knew it.

Just another Poem

Ons (09/02/2007)
Vir Jou

Ek dag maar ek sou skryf
nie om gebroke dinge in te vryf.
Ek glo jy is ook ‘n mens
en altyd, daagliks is my wens:

Om weer by parade te ontmoet:
‘n skame glimlag in jou groet.
Die skaam-wees was net toe ‘n knou:
Dit was toe die skaamheid eintlik vou:

Jou lip was soet en sag:
meer as die eerste skame lag.
Dit was voor die deur met “ek hoop ek
sien jou weer”

Ons het drie maande geniet.
Dit was Augustus wat ontbied:
Die seerkry is steeds daar
met jou as mens kom ek nie klaar.

Na gistraand se sewe maand-daarna
Is jy steeds die een wat pla:
Ek probeer vergeet:
dit agter ‘n glimlag versteek.

Min mense weet ek skryf
Jy is tog mens: met die mooiste lyf.
Die Pinotage was te gou klaar.
Dit was soos ons:
Dou op ‘n blaar

Ons (09/02/2007)
Vir Jou

Ek dag maar ek sou skryf
nie om gebroke dinge in te vryf.
Ek glo jy is ook ‘n mens
en altyd, daagliks is my wens:

Om weer by parade te ontmoet:
‘n skame glimlag in jou groet.
Die skaam-wees was net toe ‘n knou:
Dit was toe die skaamheid eintlik vou:

Jou lip was soet en sag:
meer as die eerste skame lag.
Dit was voor die deur met “ek hoop ek
sien jou weer”

Ons het drie maande geniet.
Dit was Augustus wat ontbied:
Die seerkry is steeds daar
met jou as mens kom ek nie klaar.

Na gistraand se sewe maand-daarna
Is jy steeds die een wat pla:
Ek probeer vergeet:
dit agter ‘n glimlag versteek.

Min mense weet ek skryf
Jy is tog mens: met die mooiste lyf.
Die Pinotage was te gou klaar.
Dit was soos ons:
Dou op ‘n blaar

How small this world REALLY is...

My first few posts were on trust and how a relationship needs to evolve around trust. Well, not only love relationship, but also friendships.

My first boyfriend, whom I called S, told his best friend, lets call her A, that I am gay… Now listen… A’s sister, also A, but A1, is in my school. So now A1 told her boyfriend, which is in my grade, that I went out with her sister’s best friend.

Now I can only hope for the best! I still have a few months left at that place before I can fall completely out of the closet…

Ok, my next story.

My best friend, Riet, recently had a chat with one of our teachers. Well, this teacher told her some stuff another friend of ours did. One thing that bugs me is that the two stories don’t match. And this teacher ‘apparently’ knows something about me. But cannot tell Riet before either him or her is not working there anymore… SHIT

We speak words so easy, that they often loose their meaning. Trust just lost its meaning to me.

Random thoughts
so much part of me
Why did I gain trust
in thee?

A life so short
filled with lies
and devious deceit.
You not only
played me as a love
but as a friend
in
need.

Sorry, (I did mean it)

A long time there was One. One met his life partner, also known as One, One and One completed each other and became one.

Isn’t that the rule of a relationship? One party completing another? Two 50%s becoming 100%?

Anyway, this blog is about spoken words:

I was at a guy’s birthday party on the 24th February 2007, and with my boyfriend for the night. As we sat on the grass and chatting, they started telling jokes. Now, people that knows me, know I do not fancy ‘filthy’ jokes. Yes, they do make you laugh sometimes, but isn’t enough enough? Ok, I can still cope with that and I didn’t throw my toys out of my cot, but when it started with, and I say this with respect, “Oh my God… “ “God” “Oh God!” etc, my blood pressure was rising. It doesn’t mean that if some doesn’t believe in God, they can use His name in every single sentence coming from their mouth. I do not believe in Buddha, but I respect their believes and I do not go “Oh for fucking Buddha’s sake!”

Ok, after listening to this, being somewhat upset, I had to endure… “Sorry, I know you are still underage.” My ‘boyfriend’s’ words after he saw my face and yet another joke.

Just to push me a little further, he added, “Usually I am much worse. Its just because you are hear that I am behaving.”

They say a picture is a thousand words. I say, sorry, has one meaning. Not I meant to do it!

Do I talk to him about this? I usually don’t. I really am upset.

Respect?
Hope?
Wish?
Really?
I do.

Care?
Fight?
Hate?
Merely..
Do you?

I don't want a clubber...

After recent events I decided to go to Plettenburgbay for a week. Just to relax and think… AGAIN! As I’m sitting here, staring over the ocean I was thinking about what happened last night. I was at The Islander, having dinner and afterwards went to the beach. As I returned home, I saw the five messages including a missed call and a voice message. As I read through them (all from the new ‘love’ of my life) I actually saw he is a really nice and passionate guy. Full of love and emotion. I replied with tears in my eyes to the messages of him… I only listened to the voice message after my reply…

The message goes, “I slept the whole day because I was out last night and only arrived early this morning…”

I don’t want a clubber again. Not to mention I only found out 24 hours after the event. Seems this is an endless battle being fought by all gay men. – You are allowed to date a guy, but be happy with him a) Clubbing, b) Not involving you, c) Make if everything is fine with it. – I don’t want that.